The other night I cried a banshee-wounded-animal-wailing-holy-prayer-to-the-goddess cry.
I had just closed out a beloved project/collaboration of almost four years and I was grieving the loss. Hard. The intense emotions flowed right through me like a sieve filtering sweetness, love, appreciation, and knives.
Letting go can hurt as much as it liberates.
And I knew there’d be pain…but instead of resisting the pain and the disappointment and all the complex feels, I walked toward it all. I’d love to say #likeaboss, but I was scared I was making the wrong decision, disappointing people I love, cutting before the magic could happen.
But baby, I heard the message. I saw the signs. I felt the feels (emotions = internal gps). I opened myself over and over and over again to divine guidance. I prayed like a mf.
I knew what I had to do. And the love I have for my inner guidance, myself, and my beloveds overtook the pain and fear.
The cost of staying the same was too high.
Part of the hurt (aka big ol’ lesson), for me, was detaching from the outcome. Learning how to show up with my best effort, play full out, but release attachment to a specific result.
Over the years, I’d had an idea of how things needed to go. And I’d oscillate between:
crossing my fingers/hoping it would all work out somehow (being behind my growing edge, leaving it up to others/other forces to make what I want manifest) and
holding the goal so tightly there maybe wasn’t room for divine flow (being over my growing edge, overly-controlling, taking too much responsibility for others).
To allow for a shift I had to find my real, live growing edge.
The growing edge is a place of risk, letting go, stepping into real leadership and vision…being vulnerable, rigorously honest, willing to be totally alive and aware and consciously, powerfully choosing.
The growing edge is the place of your deepest STRETCH.
It’s your energetic catalyst for change. It’s your chance to own your power.
It’s the shift you MUST make in how you see yourself and the world around you because to stay the same is too costly.
The fear of pain (our learned protective measures and coping mechanisms to avoid pain OR EVEN THE PERCEPTION OF POTENTIAL PAIN…WHOA) can keep up in patterns and relationships that no longer serve.
Pain and pleasure are INEVITABLE — it’s who you be when you meet them that makes you who you are.
I knew it was time to meet the pain and change. I took several months, leaned in with my best effort, released the outcome, and listened to ma’heart along the way.
Gawd, it was hard to let go. But now there’s room for growth that wasn’t there before. A rising is possible now that the burial, burning, and honoring has happened.
You know what time it is…time to ask yourself…
- What are you holding onto that is no longer serving you and your highest self?
- Maybe a relationship or partnership? Or even a relationship to a system (boiiii byeeee patriarchy, word up progressive, women, woc, trans and queer electoral wins this week!) or structure in your life that isn’t serving?
- How about a belief about how things are supposed to/should/need to be? A belief about your own happiness or success that’s maybe NOT EVEN YOURS?
- How can you create space for loving closure? Make room for a potential rebirth (without being attached to a rebirth, cuz that shit may not happen, friend)?
- Can you imagine that an ending can be painful and loving and liberating? Are you willing to walk through the fire to get to the other side?
- If not, what are you really afraid of? Draw a picture of your fear. Ask it, “why have I created you in my life?” and “what do you have to teach me?”
Go there, sweets.
PS Me and my fave creative collaborator, the intuitive astro-genius Sandy Sitron, just launched a 5-month free, live webinar series! Sign up here. It’s totally free and totally supportive of your interstellar expansion and growth. First one is on 11/14…