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How Do I Know If I Want Kids? Confusion To Clarity.

how do I know if I want kids? confusion to clarity.

I always thought I would just be the cool auntie, the one without kids who would be a bright guiding light of magic and justice for all the little humxn kittens in my world. But recently, I’m feelin’ curious.

I’m not pregnant. I’m fairly certain I don’t want children. (Side note: I acknowledge that this convo is predicated on my choice to conceive, which may not even be an option. Also, I want to honor the womxn who want to conceive but cannot.) However, I’m curious about what’s beneath the ardent HELL NO I carried around since, uh, probably age 16 or so. A few years ago, I decided that I could release the HELL NO… but I didn’t know what else was there if not that full-bodied resistance.

So lately, I’ve been exploring what it means/ looks like/ feels like to be deeply curious about having children when you’re in your late 30s, never been that inclined, have a great life and body that maybe is or maybe isn’t asking for more.

And something else, something more profound than whether I want to procreate or not, is revealing.

On the baby/child tip, I’ve been asking endless questions (mostly with my beloved instagram community) and I’ve received SO MANY messages from folx around the world who are sharing so generously and vulnerably about the way they’ve made and are trying to make these big life decisions.

I’m honored to receive these stories. I’ll receive them as long as anyone wants to share them with me.

Previously, I would hold these moments of not having a clear answer as CONFUSION. I hated feeling confused. GAH, WHAT TO DO? HOW WILL I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE? WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG ONE?? Familiar?

But holy baby crap, CURIOSITY has now replaced confusion.

Where I used to have a lot of ??? over my head about so many aspects of my life, I just don’t anymore. This doesn’t mean I have all the answers, it just means that I’m no longer getting caught in the spinning trap of not knowing how to go forward.

Whatever the hell I decide about procreation and child-rearing, I’m lit up that I can see this shift! I worked for this change in perspective that I didn’t always know was a change in perspective.*

It’s taken time and energy and emotional rigger and commitment on so many levels. But here I am. Free of confusion and open to large and small curiosities about my life. This weirdo baby inquiry** is another deeper dive into CLARITY in all areas of my life.

And you know what? I’m not alone. The more curious I get, the more I’m met by other people who are like YES, ME TOO or OH YEAH, I FEEL YOU. I could cry it’s so beautiful (full disclosure: I have definitely cried).

// How did I get here? Welp, I’ll be hosting a 5-day IG live chat series with you all, 2/15-2/19 @9am PT (go here to join live or watch the replays here) where I talk about the journey from confusion to clarity. 

And don’t worry, I don’t just talk about babies.*** 🙂

If you get caught in a swirl of confusion or are trying to make some big life decision and aren’t sure how to move forward, I’d love for you to join me.

I keep it chill, but we’ll go deep.

The path to clarity is slow and wild. Undulating and uncertain. A friend of mine, a womxn I consider a teacher, would call this the heroine’s journey. It’s the new paradigm, beloved. I embrace this undulation because as I do everything opens up, and more than I could’ve imagined is revealed.

*My coaching journey and work has shown me that so much change is catalyzed by a shift in perspective.

** I’m calling it “weirdo” because I honestly haven’t seen other folks talking and asking about it in this way. And FWIW, “weird” comes from the same etymological root as “wisdom”, so there.

*** I cannot believe I actually just wrote that sentence.


Art via emma_emma_003 on Wattpad