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I Cried In My Breakfast

i cried in my breakfast

This morning, I cried in my breakfast. A real scrunchy, stink-face, slobber-lip cry. Not because I was sad.

But because I was happy. (Ugh, I know, but hear me out.)

I was sitting with my husband in front of our blazing morning fire in our sweet desert home, he was reading aloud a spiritual text and I just started blubbering into my breakfast bowl. Because who woulda thought we’d get this far together? Not me. Not him.

We met in a bar in the South of France when we were 21. We reconnected years later through Friendster (OMG REMEMBER FRIENDSTER??*) for what we thought would be a sexy weekend in NYC, and SURPRISE!!! turned into a life partnership.

Next week we’ll be 3 years in the desert. In March we’ll be 12 years together.

But this isn’t an email about our relationship.

This is really about the power of beliefs.

So much of what Ryan and I have gone through these past 12 years has been a confrontation/dancing with/breaking down/breaking through/challenging the beliefs we have about ourselves, each other and the world around us.

And anything that challenges beliefs is going to bunch panties, ego hook, scare the holy bejeezus, and generally cause feelings of major unsafety. 

So there’s been a lot of feeling unsafe.
A lot of risks to be vulnerable.**
A lot of learning the same lessons over and over.
A lot of courage to see the ugliest beliefs and living them all over each other.
A lot of challenging the biggest fears we could conjure.

Like I had to confront my fear that if I really stood in my power and was fully me that Iwouldn’t want him or he wouldn’t want me. Somewhere along the way, I got that personal power and relationships don’t mesh. That I was just too much, so I better shrink so he (and everyone, ahem) would like me more.

Ultimately, we had to risk really being alive and being who we really are. Which means we had/have to do the dirty/blissful work of exploring ourselves.

We took separate, but converging spiritual paths to dig deep into our highest and lowest beliefs.

Here are a few key learnin’s we found on the journey:

  • There are beliefs that are your values, and there are creepy, lurking, limiting beliefs that are hindering your personal growth and liberation.
  • The hindering beliefs are unconscious agreements you made with yourself LOOOONG ago. In childhood. Around age 7. Maybe even past lives. Certainly, some undone karma passed down from parents and ancestors.
  • These limiting beliefs are like glasses you put on and wear around and see everything through. If there was a color for “I‘m not good enough” or “I‘m confused and don’t know what to do” they’d never go out of style.
  • You receive what you believe. Basics, your thoughts create your reality. Your thoughts, emotions, actions come from your core beliefs.
  • Your thoughts are energy. Energy follows thought. Like attracts like (at least in this universe), so your limiting thoughts/beliefs attract more of the same.
  • The only way through is through. You can’t cliffs notes your way to healing. Doing inner work takes courage but it’s way better than living a life unexamined and chock full of resistance. What you resist persists, btw.

So this is why I cried in my breakfast. Because what a crazy ass blessing to have traveled this path. And to be who I really am creating this life that is so full of surprises and beauty and challenge.

I mean, Ryan used to think that a really nice bed was 2 futon mats on the floor covered by his childhood woobie and a healthy dinner was pasta with oil and potatoes.

Who woulda thunk?

PS My weekly MAGIC HOUR is so fun, especially if you bring your own questions into the mix! I LOVE taking questions. If you can’t make it and want to reply and send some beforehand to watch the replay later, please do! Oh, and if you missed my 2017 Best Of meditations/trainings…here you go!

* For those of you under the age of 35ish, it was the social network before Myspace. I‘m getting so old.

** Vulnerability is a necessity if you want any relationship to evolve. Without the vulnerability, there is no growth. You must take the risk, my dear.

Photo of me and Ryan, circa 2006, Central Park NYC