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On Safety And Rocking Boats

on safety and rocking boats

Navigating the balance of safety and shakin’ shit up is so real for me. You too? (Plus, tonight’s a full moon in Taurus which def has some “safety and security” vibes for us all.)

My first coach ever* called my affinity for safety my “hidden life of mediocrity.” Staying in the safety zone…not too much risk there. Life = pretty good without much effort. Not doing what I’m really here to do, but meh, close enough.

Ouch. Guh. But…she wasn’t lying.

The truth is that me, you and everyone we know craves safety and security. It’s a primal instinct. It’s when the desire comes from an unconscious fear of not having it, losing it, or being soulfully compromised in the achieving of it, that the coping starts.

That’s when the inner voice(s) saying “nope, can’t do that thing you really want to do…too scary,” get going.

// Coping Mechanism 1: Playing Small
You make yourself small, unseen/less seen, unheard/less heard. Though desperately you want to be seen and heard. You’re scared to rock the boat (what you perceive as the boat, mind you) too much for fear of being abandoned, dismissed, ignored. No matter what you manifest being unseen/unheard. Funny (not funny) how that works, eh?

// Coping Mechanism 2: Confusion
You get caught in the endless spin of confusion >> Maybe I don’t have all the info. Maybe this isn’t the right time. Maybe I need to have this and that figured out first before I (fill in the blank). Maybe things will change on their own and just get better. I’m just not sure. I just can’t figure it out. It’s too much to think about. We stay in confusion so we don’t have to make the big, scary, decision to live the way we really want to live.

(There are many more coping mechanisms, but these are two of the popular kids. Real jerks.)

SO what the eff to do?

// Step 1: Examine your story about safety and security. How do you relate to it? What are the stories you have about it? Are there conditions? Do you trust yourself but not the universe? Why? Go back (you knew this was coming) to your childhood and see where those beliefs came from. Be gentle and loving with yourself. Be curious.

There might be old traumas present for you in the past. This examination (and following steps) aren’t to minimize your trauma or your emotional truth. They’re meant to expose the internal running story that evolved as a result of your experiences — the story on repeat — that could be minimizing your power.

// Step 2: Notice like a mf. Once you see the old story notice when it comes up. The story that tells you how unsafe you are. Keep observing it. Relentlessly.

And see, if you can, bring some lightness in. Por ejemplo: “Oh hey, you again, eh? Um, you were here just like 5 minutes ago. Ha. Holy shit.” No, seriously. Laugh at how often it comes up. Your observing it and finding some lightness with it will strip away the unconscious power it has over you.

// Step 3: Feel the good feels as they come. Notice safety when it comes up naturally and just simmer in it. Even if it’s a cozy sweater. Or lighting. Or colors. Or smells. Or touch. Or alone time. Let your senses guide you. Allow yourself to know “I’m safe,” and revel in the idea/feeling that you always are. Tell yourself “I’m safe” over and over and feel it in your body. Little by little.

The other night I was in ceremony here in the desert with a gentle plant medicine and a voice sound bath. Under the moon, laying amongst beautiful humans in cozy blankets, and being bathed in what felt like my most ancient memories of being alive made me feel safer than I ever have. I just kept letting the feeling of being safe wash over me. I let it become my memory. Like I was rewriting my story, little by little. I told myself that I’ve always been safe. I’m still feeling it. And knowing it.**



PS Go here to sign up and get the breakdown of my new 5-month live webinar astro-coaching series with my bestie astrologer Sandy Sitron. We cover it all. Purpose, unhealthy patterns and how to break ’em, tapping into your creativity and vision, the yooj. If there’s one (or more, probs) that piques your interest, sign up!


* Bless you, JLove Calderon! Servin’ lewks and transformation in the film, tv and music industry. White anti-racist organizer. Transformational coach. Changin’ the way we see how we belong to each other.

** You don’t have to be in ceremony in the desert swaddled in a blanket under the moon to experience a deep sense of safety. But I recommend it at some point because it was pretty great.